Sardonically Sarcastic!
by FlorMorada
Summary: You want an account on how you stupid authors seem to see my life? Okay, here you go - enjoy! (Note the sarcasm.)
1. Porcelain Pale Jadey

**Sardonically Sarcastic!**

FlorMorada

**I do not own Victorious.**

…

**Porcelain Pale Jadey**

…

So, I wake up all depressed and angsty to the sound of my alarm clock ringing. You know, the one with the scissors for hands because I'm just so obsessed with scissors omg.

I open my eyes and shut it off, sighing as I get up from my bed, and remember how I hate my life because I'm so depressed and fuck everything and ughhgh.

I walk over to my wardrobe and open the door, looking at all my black clothing/gothic dresses/**Black Veil Brides** t-shirts because you authors want to look like you listen to those types of bands or something? I choose a pretty average outfit, which you guys decide to describe extremely unnecessarily,

In a way such as,

_'Jade attaches the red streaks to her hair before getting dressed (which is oh so interesting, that is why it is explained over an average of about two or three paragraphs). She finishes putting her clothes on and applies her dark, heavy eyeliner bc woo dark make-up, and stares at how it stands out from her porcelain, pale skin or whatever. Jade then gets her bracelets, lifting up her sleeve to look at her arms_

_''' my arms covered with deep red crosses and lines and scars bc I cut myself bc I hate everything oh my life woe is me etc. '''_

(yes, _**sigh**_, because as in every other Jade-centric fanfic, Jade self-harms),

_and then she's finished and stares at herself in the mirror and smiles sadly at how much this hides her true, broken soul.'_

...And then I monologue about how much I hate myself and I don't deserve my wonderful boyfriend because apparently I'm ugly etc.? Have I not seen my freaking eyes but ok then.

I continue my monologue about how I'm so not beautiful (((cry cry cry))) I need this make up and clothing to mask what truly is inside, oh how does Beck even deserve me I'm sO uGLY OH.

Oh and then my dad, my only parent, comes in, because apparently just because I never mention my mother means I do not have one.

"Jadelyn."

Oh I hate it when he calls me by my full name, "What, Dad?"

"Jadelyn, you're such a bitch, you're so worthless. Idk why I just randomly abuse you in every fic on here but I just do ok so *insert further abuse/hitting/other unspecified stuff here*, you're such a failure, you little shit."

And I'm like, "Daddy why must you do this to me ohhh. I'm going to school now I hate you so much," cryness.

And then I run screaming out the door, tears running down my porcelain pale face, to school, even though I haven't had breakfast or anything but whatever.

Because I'm, like, bulimic as well as cutter or something stereotypical like that, so who needs food; I'd only purge it a couple paragraphs down. 'Cause I like mUST have an ED in all these stories.

**?!&~woo look at this swage line break~&!?**

I get in the car and drive to school (so, you authors can explain a _journey_ in 9 words but my _morning routine_ in 87245 paragraphs, ok), and meet my boyfriend at my locker.

"Hi, Jade."

'Oh, hi, Beck."

I'm actually not really paying attention to him because remember, I'm all angsty and depressed so I'm in my own world, wallowing in my Jade-y depressing-y angsty sorrow,

But then Beck 'tilts my chin up' and leans in and kisses me and I look up and melt in his _'beautiful milk chocolate brown orbs'_.

And the whole _'omg, I don't deserve him; I'm so lucky I have Beck to keep me strong'_ monologue comes in too.

And then Tori arrives. And regardless of whatever the story genre is, or ship, she's always completely OOC - a bitch to me even though, on the show, she never does anything HALF as bad. But anyway.

"Hey, Beck and Jade!" she says all cheerful and perfectly.

I roll my eyes at her. Apparently I'm secretly jealous of her and I want to be loved like she is, but, like, my true soul is masked, so instead we're...frenemies.

"Hiya, Tori," Beck says. Tori smiles back.

_""" oh god, she's such a slut - smiling at another girl's boyfriend just because he says hi ugh, wHORE """_

And then Tori's like, "Beck, let's go have some sexy time later!"

(In reality, _"Beck, we need to work on the project our anti-student consolidation whatsoever, it's not our fault we're partners, teacher put us in; can we meet at my house after school?"_)

And, "Okay, Tori", Beck says, and then last period's bell rings (end of the school day already?) "OK let's go bby mmm I'm excited"

(In reality, _"Sure."_)

And then they both leave.

...But I thought Beck and I had a date tonight!

_""" wHY IS TORI sUCH A BITCH? """_

And then Cat comes, giggling, "Hey, Jadey, aren't I so random and naïve I love to eat my hair bc it's the colour of cupcakes LOL", which, actually, she never really says in the show (at least not in season 1).

And even though she's bipolar, I know she's just acting like this because of her past (bc everyone at HA was/is abused or whatever, u no?), so I say, "Cat, stop acting like a fucktard."

And she's all, "HehEHE, SOZ, jADe."

"Cat, what should I do; my boyfriend has completely left me _(because forgetting about a date (which hasn't even happened yet) is totally 'leaving' you)_ and Tori hates me! _(exaggeration much?)_"

"Aw, I'm so sorry, Jadey" she says, hugging me (and, occasionally, you author might now make more apparent the possible romantic element of 'Cade', even if the story says "_Character B: Beck_", not "_Cat_".

I ask Cat if she wants to hang out tomorrow (because it's not like there's school; it's probably the weekend already, who knows? The day's never really specified is it) and she says she's already hanging out with Tori.

"SORRI, JAYD", she giggles, before skipping off or something, whatever the dumbass does.

I slam my locker shut (oh, we're still by the lockers, are we, author?) and begin to walk out of school.

So, first my boyfriend leaves me for my bitch of a frenemy and now my BFF has ditched me too?

_""" oMG I HATE MY LIFE """_

And I decide to, you know, as it's an angsty, depressive, Jade-centric fanfiction, commit suicide.

**?!&~line break~&!?**

_/Cut._

I breathe in sharply from the sharp pain from the sharpety-sharp-sharp blade.

_/Cut cut cut._ I watch as the blood gushes out of my wrist oh looks like I've cut an artery wow, science. My vision gets blurry but I take one last look in the bathroom mirror, watching the tears roll down my '_porcelain pale face'_ because that's still the only fucking adjectives you fucking authors know :))) .

And then I'm dying. The world is about to turn into darkness,

BUT THEN BECK COMES OH EM GEE

Yelling, "Aaah, Jade, nooo," having got in here because my house is, like, unlocked lol wut?

And I'm losing so much blood so I'm just like, "Beck, water u doin here I thinked u were wiv Tori."

"My Bade feels were too strong; I knew you were in trouble but I didn't know it was this serious!"

And then my vision blurs even more. "It is, ily, Beck, I'm sorry."

"No, please don't leave me, Jade, nooo."

And then Beck either lifts my pale, limp body up and drives me to the hospital, explaining to them about my suicide attempt, and me waking up a day later to his _'beautiful nougat chocolate brown orbs'_ or something, us living happily ever after,

Or I die there and then, and things like SUPPORT don't exist, so Beck commits suicide too.

_*and then insert your wonderful, 'review-whore'y author's note here*._

_End._

_..._

**And now, the _actual_ me.** ;**D I've written this all, literally, a few hours earlier than you're reading this, so apologies for...whatever.**

**I'm in no way mocking suicide or self-harm or eating disorders, by the way. I understand, they're serious and take over your lives - I'd know. But it's all sarcasm.**

**Besides...I love angsty fanfictions. I doubt I can even write up to the standards of the ones I've just parodied.**

**...You want a Cat sarcastic fanfic? A Tori one, Beck; everyone else? If you do, review. I'd enjoy writing another.**

**...**

**FlorMorada.**


	2. Perfectoria Vega

**Sardonically Sarcastic!**

FlorMorada

**I do not own Victorious.**

**...**

**Perfectoria Vega**

**...**

Hi, guys, it's me, Tori.

Let me just start of by saying I'm so talented and wonderful and flawless woo because everyone loves me don't they! :)))

...Even though I honestly _never_ act like that on the show.

Or, at least I hope not.

Anyway, I haven't just woken up; I've been downstairs in the most famous living room in like, the world (it's the only place my friends and I seem to ever hang out, wtf),

playing my piano.

Idk what song I was playing, but probably some famous Kelly Clarkson or old Rihanna, with beautiful 'a-z lyrics' copy and pasted in italics there,

You know, like when all you see is a

_Bunch o__f l__yrics _

_(Bunch of lyrics, ohhhh woaahhh)_

_When a__ll y__ou w__ant to do_

_(All you want to do, oh yeahhhh)_

_Is r__ead t__he f__ucking_

_(Read the fucking, oh)_

_Storyyyyyy,_

as my fingers _'delicately dance over the keys_'.

Ughh, and my tummy's rumbling now, **gurgle**. Wonder whyyy.

…And you authors make it seem all innocent and non-cliché, but everyone obviously knows the reason my stomach's literally dying. If you don't, you'll find out soon enough, because all my stories are the same, remember, so you'll have read about me in this way before.

Anyway, I get up from the piano stool and walk on up the stairs, into my bedroom – lmao, yes, I do have one.

My house is not just a living room, kitchen, bathroom and piano, despite the show's portray of only that.

I choose some clothes that probably aren't that interesting, considering you guys only describe them in half as much detail as that Jade's hair streaks and black clothes and 'porcelain pale face' and shit. I lay them on my queen sized bed (bc rich bc my dad's a policeman? ok) and go into my en suite bathroom, omg,

eN SUITE.

I use the lavatory (or 'pee', or 'piss' or 'go to the toilet', depending on where you authors are from). It's the end of May which is when my 'cycle's' supposed to start, but like since the last eight months, my period isn't here.

But why would a perfectly healthy, virgin, normal wEIGHT girl miss a period, huh

A girl will only miss a period if they're pregnant or uNDERWEIGHT

Say, if they're not eating.

...Still don't get it, readers?

Okay so I get up, was my hands and stuff and get out my bathroom scale. I strip, completely, even taking off my stud earrings and hair tie because I nEED FUCKING ACCURACY.

Now. Depending on whether you authors know about stuff like this, have experienced it, or are just guessing,

My shockingly underweight weight could be, say, 93lbs, or 100lbs, or, if you're just guessing, author, "_any low number will do_," you'll think, so you may write the scale showing like 80lbs.

Assholes. :)))

(Seriously? 80lbs? Like, I _wish_-

oops never mind.)

Anyway let's go with 100lbs. And so I'm all like,

"This is too fucking high. I'm 5'5" which makes my BMI like 16 point something OMFG THAT'S SO FAT

No eating today, at all"

And now, _finally, _you've realised I have anorexia.

Because, authors, its not like you can be naturally skinny. Or have a really small appetite which results in a lower than average weight. Or store fat on the inside.

NOoo.

If you're skinny with cheekbones, you're anorexic.

Now let's fast forward to school bc I'm already the main character in the show - who care's about my fanfiction life?

***~Perfectoria~Vega~***

***~(You authors think your line breaks are so cool but they're so not um.)~***

"So, guys, you wanna go to Nozu after school?" Robbie asks (why are we talking about _after _school? We only just got in_to_ school wut).

"Yeah,

sure,

*other confirmations here*."

...Wait wait wait, what?

_"""nOO everyone has said yes but I don't wanna eat out bc fucking calories"""_

"What about you, Tori?" one of the guys asks, dunno who (you authors never specify). "

"Ummmm..."

And like I don't wanna say no because they're my best friends and I'm the main character so I mUST BE WITH THEM AT ALL TIMES!

And if you authors make me into a whore, I'll be feeling jealous that Jade will get to be with Beck without me (because I love Beck omggg, and stealing boyfriends is totally my thing isn't it)

But calories aHHH.

I say yes anyway.

I'll burn it all off with the elyptical and I'll run before school tomorrow and I'll just fucking starve until I'm skinny enough ugH.

***~Perfectoria~Vega~***

"Tori, you okay?" André asks me once we're at Nozu (wow, school's gone by already?).

I look up at him and smile. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be."

He stares at my plate. "You haven't touched your sushi."

_"""Omfggg has he found out my secret?"""_

"That's why we brought you here," Jade says, "I wanted to prove to the guys that you aren't eating."

_"""nO fuck off Jade"""_

I forced a smile. "I have a big breakfast," _(a glass of water)_, "I haven't been that hungry."

"Tori," Beck says, "you're never 'hungry'. And you can't concentrate and you're tired all the time and you're always too busy exercising to hang anymore."

_"""Ahhh how do they know, noo"""_

"And you're like, SOOO skinny now, Tori, LOL," Cat adds, "like skinnier than you used to be beforeee. You look skinnier than me and I'm 5'3" HehEHE. OMG. That rhymedddd."

_"""ugh stfu, Cat"""_

I know they've realised already but I still manage to open my mouth to ask them, "and what are you trying to imply?"

Robbie sighs. "You're like my sister, she was-"

"WE KNO UR ANOREXIC, VEGA," Jade shouts.

And then. Well. You authors can make the story go in one of either two ways. I'll either be all,

"I know and I hate it, I wish I could stop but I can't Ana is just too strong, nooo."

And then everyone will start telling me how beautiful I am, even Jade (Jori FTW!) and that I'm the perfect weight and even if I wasn't it'd be chill because idk, I'm just perfect like that anyway (lol) and my mental illness is suddenly _cured _(wut),

Or,

I completely lash out at them and they tell me I need help and I tell them they can go fuck themselves bc I _LOVE_ Ana and **no one **can take her away from me,

And then I push the sushi away (ha, we're _still_ at Nozu?) and go home,

And get on the elyptical or treadmill or whatever and exerciseexerciseexercise bc FAT; I _need _90lbs,

And the next day I eat nothing,

And I can't concentrate at school so go home and just exercise more,

And I eat two apples in the evening but that is fucking IT,

And I get skinnier and skinnier and I'm so unhealthy and I'm too tired to dance or act anymore and my voice is too cracked to sing anymore and _**fUCK**__ I'm still not 90lbs_

And then one day I'm in, like, PE or something, and we're running around the track. I've run before but today it's different. So I'm running and I've had not a thing to eat since the day before yesterday and I feel all lightheaded,

And then I faint,

And the teacher comes and calls an ambulance and they take me to hospital,

diagnosing me with anorexia.

And I'm all, "no, this shouldn't have happened, I want to get better now nOO."

But it's too late bc I've lost too much weight and shit and my organs are already shutting down.

So, I soon go into cardio arrest,

and then I die.

***~Perfectoria~Vega~***

And now, you authors put some heavenly monologue about the dead me. Idk what I say. Just a _"skinny ain't everything"_ or whatever. Then I'm looking down from the magical heaven clouds to Hollywood Arts.

And they're all,

_..."RIP Tori..._

_...We loved you..._

_...You were __**perfect**."__..._

And then another monlogue - a, "what **_was _**'being perfect'; would I have ever even achieved it anyway?",

With the penultimate line being something like,

_'But that's the thing; I was never 'perfect.',_

And the last line being a quote-sounding lesson too late learned:

_'Striving for it did nothing but take my life.'_

...

**...So, there's Tori! Again, not mocking EDs at ALL, purely for the sake of the story.**

**Who do you want next? If you even want another of these things...Beck? Cat?**

**Review? (DON'T FAVOURITE WITHOUT A REVIEW, GUYS. Even an "update soon" will do.)**

**...**

**FlorMorada.**


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